How to Support Someone Who Has Lost Their Mother and Is Pushing You Away

Coping with the loss of a loved one is one of life’s most profound challenges, particularly when that loss comes in the form of a mother. For many, a mother represents not just a familial bond, but also a refuge, a source of unconditional love, and an integral part of one’s identity. This loss can trigger a cascade of emotional issues, particularly in individuals with pre-existing mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression. When this person, already struggling with their own challenges, additionally feels isolated or withdrawn, it can leave friends and loved ones feeling helpless and unsure of how to act.

In this blog post, we will explore how to support someone who is experiencing this kind of profound grief, the psychological nuances behind their behavior, practical suggestions for help, and resources specific to those living in Stratford, or similar communities.

Understanding Grief and Isolation

The Grief Process

Grief is not a linear experience; it often resembles a rollercoaster—filled with ups, downs, and unexpected turns. According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a pioneer in the study of death and dying, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While individuals may experience these stages differently, it is essential to recognize that everyone grieves in their own way.

For your friend, the loss of her mother may evoke a range of potent emotions that are difficult to articulate. She may feel overwhelming sadness or even anger, not only toward her situation but also toward the world around her. This emotional turmoil can lead individuals to withdraw from social connections, causing friends to feel pushed away, even when their intentions are good.

Psychological Impact of Losing a Parent

The death of a parent can significantly strain an individual’s mental health, particularly for those who may not have a robust social support system. Research shows that people who have experienced the loss of a parent are at a higher risk for depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation, especially if they grapple with these issues prior to the loss.

In your friend’s case, her existing battles with depression and anxiety amplify her feelings of loneliness and despair. Having already experienced attempts at self-harm, it is understandable that her situation is causing you concern.

The Role of Isolation

Isolation can exacerbate mental health challenges. When someone feels alone in their suffering, it can be hard to see a way out. Compounding factors like debt, feelings of worthlessness, or being treated poorly by someone in their life can further distance them from reaching out for help. Her refusal to accept your offers may stem from a place of pride, shame, or simply an overpowering feeling of hopelessness.

How to Offer Support

Be Available Without Pressure

It’s wonderful that you want to help, but sometimes simply making your availability known is the best course of action. Reinforce your willingness to support her, but be mindful not to overwhelm her. A simple message saying, “I’m here whenever you need me,” can validate her feelings without pushing her further away.

Offer Practical Help

While you have suggested helping with tasks like clearing out her mother’s flat, she might not be ready for that yet. Consider breaking it down into smaller tasks. For instance, offer to help with one box at a time or provide help with cleaning when she feels up to it. You can say, “I’m free Saturday if you’d like me to help you with one box.”

Check-in Regularly

Sending thoughtful messages can remind her she isn’t alone.

• “Thinking of you today.”
• “If you need someone to talk to, I’m just a message away.”

Respect Her Space

She’s entitled to her feelings and her process, even if it means putting space between you. You can express your support without being physically present. This involves a delicate balance of maintaining contact without demanding her emotional labor.

Encourage Self-Care

You’ve mentioned that she hasn’t been eating, drinking, or bathing. While these are essential aspects of self-care, pushing her may lead to resistance. Instead, suggest self-care as a way of honoring her mother’s memory. For example, gently encourage activities that were meaningful to both her and her mother, like taking a walk in a nearby park or cooking a dish they enjoyed together.

Promote Social Connections

Encouraging her to engage in classes or activities can provide her with a way to connect with others and break out of her isolative patterns. As someone in your 20s, you might not know what’s available for someone in her age bracket.

Finding Community Resources

Local Community Centers

Local community centers often host classes, workshops, and events catering to various interests. They might have painting classes, music courses, or book clubs that provide opportunities for social connection. If you are in Stratford, you can look into the Stratford ArtsTrust or Stratford and District Community Services for a calendar of events.

Online Platforms for Events

Websites like Eventbrite, Meetup, and Facebook Events allow users to filter events by interest or location. She might find activities tailored to seniors or women’s groups that could provide a sense of community. Encourage her to check these platforms regularly.

Support Groups

Grief support groups can be tremendously beneficial, especially for someone in mourning. These groups create a safe space for individuals to share their feelings with others who are navigating similar experiences. You could help her find online forums or local groups that focus on loss and bereavement.

Mental Health Services

If she’s comfortable, gently encourage her to consider professional help. Depression and anxiety can be debilitating, and a therapist can provide her with practical tools to cope with her emotions. Services like Mind, a mental health charity, can help locate mental health professionals in the Stratford area.

Social Services

Given that she is also facing financial difficulties, it might be beneficial for her to access social services that can provide support. Organizations like Turn2us offer information on grants, benefits, and local initiatives that help individuals in financial distress.

Being There from a Distance

Digital Check-ins

Since you may not always be able to visit her in person, regular digital check-ins can keep the lines of communication open. A quick video call or even sending her a funny meme can lighten her mood and remind her of the bond you share.

“Just Because” Gifts

Sending a small care package can show her you care. Items like her favorite snacks, a book she might enjoy, or a cozy blanket can provide comfort.

Personalized Encouragement

As she navigates her grief and anxiety, personalized messages that remember specific positive memories with her can serve as a potent reminder of better days. It can be as simple as, “I remember how much your mom loved going to the garden fairs. I hope you can find solace in those memories.”

Conclusion

Being there for someone who has lost their mother and is pushing you away can be an emotionally taxing experience. Understanding the complexities of grief and offering support in considerate, compassionate ways is imperative as you navigate this relationship. By being patient, maintaining open lines of communication, and gently encouraging her to seek social connections and mental health support, you can play a valuable role in her healing journey.

While you may feel helpless at times, your commitment to her well-being and your willingness to be present can make all the difference. Remember, every small gesture counts, and even when she pushes you away, your consistent support might be what she needs to eventually let someone in.